I love people, but...

Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected. Not in the "I haven't checked my email lately" kind of way. More like I just don't feel like I fit anywhere in the world around me. I don't know what brings this on and I don't have any idea how to force it away. I usually spend a solid day or two just going through motions and trying to seem normal to those around me when inside I'm feeling so out of place. 

I am the type pf person who needs copious amounts of time to myself. But I also need to choose to be alone, otherwise the feeling of loneliness creeps in. On the flip side, when I have been around people nonstop I start feeling drained and find myself pulling away. Don't get me wrong, I love community. I think it's extremely important and necessary for the human soul, but for some of us, there is that need to just be. By our self. No one else around. 

Perhaps there is a link. Perhaps when I have been around people for a while in one setting or another this is when the feeling of disconnect begins to set in. It makes sense really. Internally I want desperately to be alone for a while but externally I can't be, so I mentally remove myself from the situation. And until I can truly be alone for a while and have time to recharge my batteries, I can't make connections with those around me. 

There is a great difference between loneliness and solitude. I hate loneliness but I thrive on occasional solitude.

The Reality Is...

Donald Miller says that the best writing occurs in dark closets and plain rooms with no view. That might be true, but I am currently sitting outside listening to the autumn wind blow the leaves off the trees. I can smell fall in the air.

I used to love fall. Once upon a time it was my favorite season. But over the years I have come to be much more of summer person and fall brings with it a certain sadness. This probably has something to do with the fact that I am not a fan of winter at all and I know that fall means winter is just around the corner. But this year I am finding the change of season more difficult to accept than ever before.

2013 started with hope and change for me and I was confident that "great things" were just around the next corner. But instead, I've found myself in a bit of another "holding pattern" for the last 8 months and I'm circling the wall of frustration. I thought by now I would have moved on to the next phase of my life. I know roughly what I want that phase to look like and I have been working for several weeks to make it happen but I'm not really getting anywhere with it. Thus, my frustration and sadness that the next season is upon us and I am still "stuck". Well, that's how I feel anyway.

Please don't misunderstand me. I don't think that life is going to be easy. I'm not looking for some great and amazing thing to fall into my lap. I know that things take time and hard work. But sometimes my reality vs. my expectations leads to this overwhelming feeling of "what on earth am I doing?". I'm probably making things more difficult and dramatic than they need to be. If we're going to be honest, a lot of us do that from time to time. And it helps once in a while to give myself a reality check and remember how good I have it and that all good things take time. Sometimes far more time than I want them too.

So perhaps I should take a few moments to once again appreciate the change of season, drink a pumpkin spice latte and enjoy the colors of fall. Time moves on but life doesn't have to pass me by.

My Way... probably looks different

If we are honest, we all have the tendency to compare ourselves with those around us. Particularly our peers. I find myself stuck in this mentality every now and again and have to consciously remind myself that I am my own person and while the things my friends have done might be great and wonderful, I am not them. It's easy for me to lose my contentment when I look at how little I've traveled (especially compared to some of my friends) or the degrees that I don't have (compared to others). But the problem with this is the fact that I am comparing myself to others, which inevitably leads to unhappiness. 

My journey this far has been a little strange to some. I am taking a while to getting around to doing some of the things on my list. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that life is NOT passing me by and I'm not old yet. ;) But when I write my story (or book) I will be able to say that "I did it my way". And that's part of what makes it my story.  

Random Friday Morning Thoughts

~I'm in denial that Fall is just around the corner. Mainly because it doesn't feel like summer ever really came, but also because this year is just going by too fast. So for all of you that are posting things about loving all things fall that are coming your way, I'm rejecting it for as long as possible (even though I can smell it in the air).

~I use to want to be a photographer. Perhaps I still will do that someday.

~I need to write more often (and probably do more yoga) since these are things that clear my head and my head needs some major clearing these days.

~I have been reminded lately of just how incredibly blessed I am. I have some really great people in my life (past and present) and so much to be thankful for all the time. It's very easy to get caught up in the things that are "not so good" or "not what I want them to be" and forget about all that I've got.

Here's to a great weekend!

Change is coming...

... I'm just not sure when.

I've had a feeling for a little while that change is about to happen in my life. Right after I started feeling this way, a couple of really amazing possibilities came up. I thought I'd found it. I thought I was about to be in my sweet spot. But it wasn't to be this time. I was, understandably, a little disappointed. But I still feel strongly that something great is about to happen. Something is about to bust wide open. And I am so ready for that to happen.

I've been pretty quiet as I've gone through the last few months of feeling lost and finally learning to be honest with myself and others. Hopefully there will be more to share very soon.

Ridin' So-Low

Here's a "not-so-secret": contrary to the title of this blog, sometimes I feel lost! I have never felt more lost than I have the last 3 or 4 months. I've felt like a fish out of water. A square peg in a round hole. I've been really frustrated.
I had in my head that this was going to be a year of figuring things out. Of finding my place. My sweet spot. And it still may be, but I'm not an overly patient person and so I've been a little anxious about... life. I've worried and stressed and lost a lot of sleep over trying to "figure things out". And I've been reminded at how bad I am at living in the present. I keep waiting for my life to start and forgetting that I'm already living life. And I need to start paying more attention to what is going on around me and actively trying to be more present. I have a lot of things to work on.
I am ready to find a job that I love and doesn't feel like work and I am ready to be somewhere and doing something that makes me feel alive!
I've also decided that I'm not really a big fan of road-trips by myself anymore. I get really tired of driving around the country alone. It's boring. And lonely.
Those are my Tuesday thoughts.

The Peacefulness of Distance Sounds

This morning when I got up, the house was quite. I knew that at least one other person was up, but everything inside was still. I cracked the window open and heard the birds outside and the sound of a distant lawnmower. And even though the sounds where different, I was instantly transported back to early mornings in Haiti.

Mornings in Haiti where one of my favorite parts of the day. As we all got up and got going, everyone moved silently through the house, respectful of those that were having devotions or quite time before really starting their day. But in the distance, you could here children playing, dirt bikes coming up the road, hammers hard at work and people busily going about their tasks for the day. I loved it. There is something very peaceful about hearing the sounds around you but having quiet within your walls. I think one of the reason for that is because those surrounding sounds don't have anything to do with us directly. They let us know that another day has begun and people are going about the things that need to be done, but there is no pressure or stress when the sounds we're hearing aren't calling us out yet.

I think too often in life we forget to listen to the stillness and peace within and instead find ourselves overwhelmed by the busyness and noise that are around us - even when that noise has nothing to do with us. The stress starts to build and we feel like we should be doing something. We live in a "doing" world after all. But if we take time to focus and listen to the stillness within, then the surrounding sounds start to become just background noise. And peace begins to settle over us as we realize the noise of the world shouldn't be calling us out quite yet. Not until we've had our quiet time.... and our morning coffee :)

I'm Grateful

I love cool, rainy day and hot cups of coffee.... and easing into my day.

I'm learning about myself all the time but I still have so far to go. "But for the grace of God..." I love that HE is so gracious when I fall so short of being what I should be. I love that HE continues to love me through those shortcomings. And I am so thankful.

I am thankful for the people in my life that share their wisdom and challenge me to think differently.

And I am learning more every day to just be grateful. I have so much to be thankful for and I need that daily reminder.

The words to the song "Be Grateful" have been playing in my head for days. This is my favorite part:

"Every time you think you've got it bad, you can find someone who's got it worse. All the thing you take for granted now, they started out as blessings first. If you've got someone who loves you, and a steady job that puts food on the table, if you're strong and able, man, be grateful." ~The Farm Inc.

Don't Get Too Comfortable

I realized recently that I love getting out of my comfort zone. In fact, I truly don't like to be "comfortable" for too long. I don't learn much when I'm comfortable. And although it's often painful, I learn a lot and grow tremendously when I'm outside my comfort zone. One of my pastors said, "our faith flourishes outside our comfort zones" and I have found that to be so true. It's where God is able to teach us the most.

I read a great blog today about being uncomfortable. A lot of people in the United States live in great comfort. We have a nice place to live, food to eat, cars to drive and jobs to go to every day. We make enough to pay the bills and then some. But did you know that if you fit into that category you are VERY RICH. Richer than most of the world.

We know that there are people who do not have as much as we do and we think about helping them but how many of really do?? How many of us would be willing to give up what have and downsize? How many would be willing to sell everything that they have and move to a place to help those who are in desperate need? Would I? Would you?

I hope that this is going to be a year of great learning for me and in order for me to really learn well I'm probably going to have to get out of my comfort zone.

To read Tom's thought provoking blog, click here:
http://godslittlestangelsinhaiti.org/thoughts/2013/01/25/uncomfortable/

Silencing the Voices Around Me

Currently somewhat "computerless" which of course makes blogging a bit more difficult.

I have a lot to learn. We probably all do. But none of us can say for sure where anyone else in their journey through life. But we should have an idea at least of where we are and where we should be going. If you don't, better take some time to do a little soul searching.

That is in part what I am currently doing. There are probably people who know me that think I am taking too much time to figure things out. Everyone has their opinions. And that's fine. But I learned a long time ago not to listen to other peoples' opinions about my life. Because it's my life. Not theirs. And I am apparently one of those people who needs a little more time than some others to find my niche.

In the mean time, I am working on the glaring imperfections that I see in myself. Right now that means learning to be patient, taking things one day at time and listening to God's voice.

In time, the unclear will be made clear.

My Thoughts on Leaving

I seem to have been born with a spirit and personality bent for change and adventure. It's as if there is a constant restlessness within me pushing me forward and often into the unknown. I love it. I gravitate toward it.

I'm setting out again, continuing on my journey, and I am excited. I think that this is going to be a good year, a good move and a good change. But mixed with that excitement is a certain sadness. You see, one of the hazards of wandering is leaving little pieces of your heart wherever you have been. 

There are too many people to name them all - people who have touched my life in some way or another and made it better. Whether our paths have crossed for a reason or just for a season, please know that I have appreciated the time that we have had. Hopefully our paths will cross again.

There are pieces of my heart in different towns, states and countries but all of those pieces make a whole and all of those people have helped make me who I am today. Thank you for being a part of my life and allowing me to be a part of yours.

"I'm going on an Adventure"

Once again I'm packing. I seem to do this a lot. But this might be the most excited I've ever been to pack and move. Mostly because I have a really good feeling about this particular adventure. I'm heading to a new place, somewhere I've never really been (I've done that before) and I'm getting ready to meet all new people, save for one. I feel that this is not only the right thing to do but that great things are going to come of it. What things, I don't know. I can't put my finger on why I'm so excited but I am. Of course, leaving people behind is tough (more on that later) but sometimes we wandering spirits just have to answer the call of change and the open road and see what happens. This is one of those times.

"Home is behind, the world is ahead" -J.R.R. Tolkien

Moments and Memories - Thoughts on 2012

Over the last few weeks I have attempted to put some of 2012 into words and write my thoughts down. But there are times in life when there are no words. You can't explain how you feel no matter how hard you try and expressing from a heart that is hurting is sometimes too overwhelming. So I have decided to look back on the year and focus more on the memories that I have, for those are the things that I want to hold onto in the years to come.

I had the opportunity to help with the care of my sweet grandmother as she spent her last few months on earth. There were some difficult and sad moments to be sure but mostly what I will remember are the funny things she said and did and her unfailing love for GOD even to the very end. She was one of the most godly women I have ever known and she left a legacy that will live on for generations to come. As my cousin said, "she left big shoes to fill".

In her final months and weeks, I would read her devotions with her and she would often quote the scripture along with me. We would sing old hymns together and she still knew the words - even though she didn't know who most of her family was. And she never forgot GOD. Her prayers reflected that. As I would help her into bed some nights I would ask her if she wanted to pray and she always said yes. Sometimes she would get a little distracted but for the most part her prayers were the most lucid conversations that she would have all day. She knew who GOD was. He was her anchor when nothing else around her looked familiar. And that kind of faith isn't something you pick up overnight. That kind of faith comes from a lifelong relationship with your Creator and Lover of your Soul. It is rooted so deep that even when your body and mind are failing, you still have a Hope.

God called Gram home in 2012. At 94 years of age she had lived a long and wonderful life and it was time for her to move on to eternity. Of course there was sadness but mostly there was rejoicing that her struggles were over and she was face to face with her Savior.

I come from a large family - on both sides. I have a lot of first cousins. And I am privileged to know each and every one of them.

This past summer I spent a weekend with my aunt and her family at their camp on the lake. We went swimming and boating. Had BBQs and water balloon fights. And just enjoyed a lazy weekend. It was so much fun and I have great memories of those couple of days. Memories that I will carry with me forever. Mostly because that was the last time I saw my cousin Aaron.

To say that I am proud of Aaron would be an understatement. And I will share with you why. But first let me share with you the Aaron that I knew.

 Aaron was fun to be around. He was a tease and he had the greatest laugh when something struck him as funny. He was laid back and very little seemed to stress him out or get him worked up. He was attentive - to everyone but especially to his family. He was a great conversationalist and when he asked you a question, he really wanted to know the answer. He genuinely cared about others. He was selfless. He was kind. He was hard working. He was an all around great guy.

I will especially remember all the times he would give me a "hard time" about something just to see how fast I would have a comeback. And then he would laugh and wait for the next opportune moment to start all over again. I miss that.

I was proud of Aaron before October 2, 2012. In 2000 he made the decision to serve his country and he did it well. He found his calling and he stepped up to that call over and over again. He was a great soldier. But his calling asked the highest price. And he gave it...and was welcomed into the arms of his Savior.

Even as I write these words I have a hard time believing that he is gone. It's strange how your heart can be so full of pride and hurt all at the same time. These are those moments. The ones that there are no words for. The ones that you want so badly to express how you feel but you can't. And so I share memories. The ones that I will hold near and dear to my heart forever.

As a new year begins there are many things to look forward to and there will be lots of new memories made. But I don't think I day will go by that these two dear people won't cross my mind. They lived their lives to the fullest and that is what they would encourage everyone to do. I want to make 2013 a year of making the moments I'm given count.

Silence is golden... For a While

Going into this year, 2012, I had planned to write a lot. I thought it would be a year of stretching and growing and therefore the "journaling" and blogging ideas would be flowing.

It was a year of being stretched for sure. It was a year of learning a lot. But it was also hard to put into words what I've learned and experienced. It wasn't a year when lots of amazing and exciting things happened. And the learning was slow and often painful.

But I am ready to break the long silence and attempt to express some of the things I've been trying for months to put into words.

My life is once again taking me down a new and different road. I'm very much looking forward to this next phase. I can't wait to see what's in store and where it will take me. More to come on that later perhaps. But for now, I'm going to share some of 2012...

It Starts with Just ONE

I've said for years that I hate politics and, to a certain degree, that remains true. But I've also learned that in order to make a difference, politics have to be involved. Change rarely occurs without the involvement of politics on some level.

If you were to ask me what my greatest fear in life is, the answer might surprise you. I'm not afraid of poverty or war or an economic meltdown or even death. I'm afraid of failing to make a difference.

Making a difference starts right where we are and has a way of spreading.

I give props to those who have found ways to put feet to their plans and are making a difference on a global scale. Below is a video that demonstrates exactly that. I have been familiar with Invisible Children for several years now. You may have not heard of them but you have probably heard of Kony 2012. If you haven't actually watched the video, I encourage you to do so. It will only take about 30 minutes but it might make a huge difference, depending on what you choose to do after watching it. Change never happens overnight, it's gradual. You might be only one voice, but you have a voice. So use it!

Mirror Images

There are times in life when everything seems to sort of coincide. I'm in one such "moment" right now. I think that 2012 is going to be a tough learning year for me. I've been challenged lately to step back, take an honest look in the mirror and deal with what I see. Both the good and the bad. It's one of those things that is difficult at first. It hurts to have people be very honest with you, but at the same time, it feels great once it's over. Like ripping off a band-aid.

I have a few things to deal with in my life before I can good and properly move forward. But once I've done that I know I'll be better off to move in the directions that I would like to go.

This move to Maine is temporary. Though I'm not trying to wish the time away, I know that I will not be staying here long term. There are several reasons for that which I won't go into, but I just know that the time will come to move on from here. But for now, I'm going to use this as an opportunity to learn from others and from myself so that I can go forward a better person. And I do have a lot to learn.

My heart is in those areas of the world that so desperately need help and hope. And I am seriously thinking and praying about my next opportunity to go.... somewhere. God knows the desires and dreams of my heart and He will make a way. I am sure of that.

I'm so grateful for the support system that I have in friends and family. Couldn't live without them. I'm blessed to know some amazing people.

If you follow this blog at all, stay tuned. I have a feeling this is going to be a crazy year. :-)

Sometimes Change Hurts

I had planned to write a few blogs in the last couple of weeks to wrap up the year. But as per usual, very little goes "as I planned". This year was a reminder of that. It was also a year in which I feel as though I have lived a lifetime.

A lot of things changed in 2011. I usually love change. I hate to get into a rut. I don't like to go for long periods of time without being stretched. I like being taken out of my comfort zone - for the most part. Change can be a wonderful thing. But sometimes it's painful. In 2011 I had some great "out of my comfort zone" experiences, but there was a lot of painful life experiences as well.

My time in Haiti was the high point of 2011. It's hard to really express how I feel about that because my feelings run so deep. It's strange how that can happen in such a short amount of time. I was only there for 3 weeks, but in that time I came to love the Haitian people so much. They are the most beautiful people I have ever met. And they taught me so much. Their hope and joy is deep and abiding and evident from the moment that you meet them. I felt so comfortable and at home there. And I left a huge part of my heart in Haiti. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that country and those people. And every time I think about them, I ache to go back. Some day I hope that will happen. For now I have the beautiful memories.

I love to meet new people. I've made some great friends and some of those friendships I think will continue for a long time. I went to Haiti alone but met some of the coolest people ever. So many in a similar situation as myself, just wanting to make a difference in the world. The women that I met on that particular journey inspired and challenged me and I will be forever grateful to them. I met some awesome people at camp as well. And each of them has had an effect on my life in one way or another. I've even met new people since returning to Maine (hard to believe, eh?). And I am most thankful for the friendships that have been strengthened over the last few months.

The most difficult part of 2011 was the loss of a friend. I hadn't know Stephen, or "Hawk" as we all called him, for very long. In fact, I met him in May and he was gone in September. But he had a huge impact on the lives of all that he met. Hawk came to Ladore to be a counselor this summer and I met him just before I left for Haiti. I remember how nervous he was and I told him that when I returned, he better still be there. And he was. And not only was he still there, but he was a great counselor. The kids loved him. The staff loved him. And my friend Sarah loved him. Hawk and Sarah and had started dating while I was away and truth be told, I had never seen her happier. She had found the love of her life and Hawk worshiped the ground she walked on. All was as it should have been until that day in September when we found out that Hawk had suddenly passed away. All of our lives changed in a moment.

Death isn't fair. And we you are the one dealing with it on a personal level, nothing else in life seems fair either. You feel as though the world should stop because you're world has stopped. But life doesn't ask us we want and we go through it and learn to deal. And in the midst of our pain we find the strength to move on.

Soon after that, I made the difficult decision to move back to Houlton, Maine. The small map dot that I'm from. In part, I hope that this move will be temporary, but I must admit that for the time being I am quite content to just be. Nothing about this move has been easy and I've hit rock bottom a few times in the last couple of months. But I truly believe that I am at last starting to learn from the mistakes that I've made and I hope that this experience will make me a better person. I know that if I keep my mind open and my mouth closed, I will. 

The last 2 years have been years of big change for me. As usual, I hope there are many adventures in 2012. I can't live without adventure. :) But I also hope to find more stability. I feel like the last 5 years have really helped me find myself and define who I am and now I need to put in to practice what I've learned and stay in one place for a bit. Time for new beginnings. 

The people around me...

I like people that are a little rough around the edges. I find them to be very real. They don't care what other people think about them. They are who they are whether you like it or not. Some people are offended by those type. They think that everyone should constantly guard what comes out of their mouth and keep most of their thoughts to themselves. And sometimes it's a bit overwhelming to be around these people but I find it refreshing.

So to those of you that don't care what others think about you and aren't afraid to be yourselves, Thanks! Keep it up.

In the Stillness of Life, My Mind Never Stops

Lately I have found myself sitting in front of my computer screen, staring blankly, thoughts going through my head so rapidly but my fingers refusing to type. I'm not sure why, but sometimes, when life slows down a bit and gives me the time to process, I find it hard to share what's on my mind. But I want to share. I want to voice my thoughts. I want to express myself. I need to. If I couldn't write, I'd probably go crazy.

So, my silence means very little. There may be gaps in my writing, but that won't last and soon I'll be able to express the things that roll around in my head so desperately trying to get out.

Stay tuned. In these last few weeks before the end of 2011, I hope to be able to share a bit more of myself, of where I've been and some of what I've taken with me along the way.

THANK YOU

No matter how much I change. No matter how much my worldview continues to expand. No matter what my political views may or may not be. No matter what country I find myself in, one thing will always be true of me. I am an American! And I am proud of it!

No matter what I think about the decisions that this country chooses to make. No matter how I feel about the current administration. No matter whether I think we should or should not be engaged in a war. I support the troops!

I live in a great country. I live in freedom because of the sacrifice of others. There were and are so many that have laid down their lives so that we in the United States of America could live in the land of the free. It is because of the brave.

So on this day, November 11, 2011, Veterans Day, I want to say Thank You to all those who have given of their time, service and their lives for their country. You are appreciated more than you may know.