Recent Getaway...

Just returned from a few days on the beaches of the Gulf Coast and some fabulous time with family. Loved every minute of it... returning to reality was difficult at best.

Florida Pictures

And More...

More Florida Pics...

March 2nd

It's March 1st and Snowing...

To Love At All...

“She was dressed in rich materials – satins, and lace, and silks – all of white. Her shoes were white. And she had a long white veil dependent from her hair, and she had bridal flowers in her hair, but her hair was white……I saw that everything within my view ought to be white, had been white long ago, and had lost its luster, and was faded to yellow. I saw that the bride within the bridal dress had withered like the dress, and like the flowers, and had no brightness left but the brightness of her sunken eyes.” ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

I have been attempting for a few months now to put into words some of the things that have been on my heart – personal experiences and those that I have witnessed in the lives of people close to me. However, it wasn’t until a recent conversation with a friend, encouraging me to not become a “Miss Havisham” (Great Expectations), that things started to make sense and come together.

It really only takes one or two failed or poorly handled relationships for one to start to feel a bit cynical about life and love and happiness. If we’re honest, many of us at one time or another has found ourselves hoping for the “Fairy Tale”. Girls, you know this is true. We tend to conger up in our minds the “perfect” guy that will come and sweep us off our feet and we will live “happily ever after”. And then, reality sets in. He turns out to be… human. And instead of forgiving and forgetting and moving on, we dwell on what could have been, should have been or might have been. We start to build walls around our heart – slowly, surely, painfully. We look around at those that are in wonderful, happy and loving relationships and think that they’re the exception. Sometimes, for a brief moment, we remember what it felt like to be in that place but then we remember what it felt like to get hurt, so we place another brick in the wall.

I feel like I almost don’t have a right to say these things since I know that I have never experienced the pain that many people go through in their relationships. And I have been told that I am too young to be so cynical. But I don’t think that cynicism has an age limit and we all can become that way in direct proportion to the blow that we have been dealt.

I was one of those girls that thought for many years that the first guy that I dated would be the man that I would marry. Why? Because I was picky and had high standards and figured that if I prayed long enough and hard enough God would just work things out that way. But that’s not what happened. And it wasn’t God’s fault; it was just the path that I chose at the time. And as always He had a lesson for me to learn through it all. But over time, I started to build my wall. I wasn’t aware of it right away, but it was there.

I have been trying for some time now, with God’s help, to heal the wounds and move on. But I know that I struggle with trust and being open to people and allowing them to get to know me for who I am with all my faults and failures. Because to become that transparent to another human being, means that I might get hurt. C. S. Lewis said it so well...

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal, Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…”

Does anyone really want to live that kind of life? Does anyone knowingly choose to be the “Miss Havisham” that sits in the dark wearing her old wedding dress exactly like she was the day that her fairy tale fell through? Very rarely does a wall like this build over night, but, more realistically, over time. And it can start at any age. And it will not come down until we recognize that it is there and choose to remove it.

So maybe you’ve been hurt. Maybe life hasn’t turned out the way that you had planned. Maybe you’ve been knowingly or unknowingly building a wall around your heart. Don’t let that hurt get in the way of you living your life to the fullest and allowing people to love you. Reality: this side of heaven, life will let you down. Humans are going to continue to act human. And you may feel like you will never love again, but that, my friend, is up to you. And you will find that choosing to forgive, let go of the hurt, and put cynicism aside, is a most glorious feeling.

My Tribute To A Wonderful Woman

For anyone who checks this blog, I'm so sorry for the long delay between posts. Below is a blog that I recently wrote about my grandmother, Clara Putnam.

I had a dream last night about my Grandmother and when I woke this morning, I realized that Monday will mark the 3rd anniversary of her passing. I don’t sit around and cry and miss her on a regular basis, in fact, I sometimes find myself forgetting that she is gone. Like this past summer when I went home, I thought one afternoon that I should walk down the road and visit her and then remembered that she wasn’t there. Or this Christmas when I was sending out cards and came across her name in my address book and wished I could send one to her as well. And whenever I knit or crochet or bake something that she used to make, I remember her. If I close my eyes and think back, I can still remember how her house smelled when she was baking bread or apple pie or baked beans. I can still see her sitting in her chair by the window in the afternoon nodding off. I have so many wonderful memories of the women I once called “Bubby”.

Grammie used to take me fishing and I hated fish. On top of that, I had to sit still for what seemed like forever to wait for a fish to bite. It wasn’t really my idea of a fun time but she sure loved it. And she fished in the most obscure places. There were times that I was sure we were lost and would never see civilization again. To a kid, driving out to a fishing hole 5 miles from anything seems like the end of the earth.

Grammie made the best breakfast in the world. She was always an early riser and she loved to bake. Staying over at her house Friday night, meant a big breakfast Saturday morning with Ramon or Lanny or both (it was more fun with both). She would make muffins, eggs, bacon or ham, cooked strawberries, bread, beans, coffee and orange juice. It was wonderful to wake up to that smell. And no matter what meal you had at Grammie’s, you never left the table hungry. She made sure of that. She was always asking “What can I get you?” or trying to dish more food onto your plate.

She worked harder than anyone I have ever known. She was up before dawn and usually had a whole list of things accomplished by 7 am. She was always helping people and would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. You never wanted to say that you liked something she had because she’d give it to you right then and there was no arguing with her. Grammie had the biggest heart.

She also had one of the biggest Bibles I have ever seen and I can recall many times that I would walk into her house to find her reading her Bible. In fact, I remember times that she would hand me the Bible and ask me to listen as she recited some verses that she had been working on memorizing. I thought that was so neat that she was memorizing verses at her age. That will always stand out in my mind.

Spending time at Grammie’s house was like running away from home (though she only lived 3 houses down from mine). If I was ever hungry in the middle of the afternoon and knew that Mom wouldn’t let me eat until dinner, I’d walk down to Grammie’s. If I ever just needed to get out of the house, I’d go sit with her in her living room, usually in silence, and watch the birds.

Sometimes I miss her a lot, but I am so thankful for the memories that I have and the lessons that she taught me. She was a wonderful women and I was proud and honored to call her my Grandmother.

Just How Far I Haven't Come

I sat down and read some of my journal entries over the last couple of years and decided to take a little time for some reflection. The idea of "contentment" is something that regularly comes up on the pages that I've written over time. The ironic thing is, I still haven't done some of the things that I wanted to have accomplished at this point in my life, but I'm really quite content. It was a long road getting here though.
Quick recap: A little over a year ago I made the decision to move to South Carolina. No, it wasn't because I had gone to school here. My family didn't pick up and move here. And it definitely wasn't because of work. I came by myself, sight unseen, with no job lined up. I think that there were probably a lot of people that thought I was crazy or stupid, but people that know me know that that's how I roll these days.
The first 6 months in SC where undoubtedly the hardest months of my life up this point. I began the job search immediately and came up empty handed time after time. I started to question my move but I'm not one to narrow God's will. I believe that I can be in a number of places and still be within the general will of God and He can use me wherever I am. So I continued on and kept hope that something was going to come up.
During that time I learned a lot about myself, my God and my relationship with Him. My faith was tested beyond what I thought that I could endure and I learned that faith really isn't faith until it's all your holding onto. And God's grace really is sufficient and He doesn't give us more than we can handle.
Don't get me wrong, I got frustrated with God... very frustrated at times. And I did my fair share of questioning Him. I was reminded time and time again that life's not fair and He never said that it would be. But through it all, I was able to see God's work. Maybe not at the time, but eventually.
I learned a lot, but as I read things I've written and remember lessons that my Father has taught me along the road of life, I can't help but wonder, did I really learn? I still struggle with some of things that I thought I'd overcome. I wonder how strong my faith really is at times and I still get frustrated with God. But He remains the same and when I'm done trying to do on my own, He's there to pick up the pieces and help me to change.
The last couple of years have been difficult for much of the time, but I've learned so much and I wouldn't trade the years or months for anything.

Some Recent Family Pics

Just A Thought

Sometimes I wonder if my plans are too big, my ambitions to great or my dreams too far beyond my reach. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't been able to achieve things that I thought I would have long since surpassed at this point in my life. Sometimes I wonder why things seem to fall into place for some and others have to work like crazy to get to where they are. Sometimes I feel like life is passing me by.... But then I remember that it's not. And although I might not be where I thought I would be, I am still young and free and still have time to do what I want to. I may have to work hard for where I am, but perhaps that is necessary in order for me to truly appreciate where I've come from. I may not have traveled to all the places on my list or done all the adventurous things or even earned the degrees that still don't have my name on them.... but that means that I still have something to look forward to in the days to come. I may have trouble sitting still for very long but perhaps it is because I love life and I want to live it to the fullest. I want to experience all that I can while I'm on this earth. God has given me me life and He's given us a beautiful world to explore and I plan on doing just that. So for this moment, I may have to stay in one place for a little while, but these boots where made for walking... :)

Quick Update

Things are going really well with the job. It's been a bit overwhelming at times but I am learning and enjoying.

I'm hoping to go home in August for Gram's birthday. We'll see if that is possible when the times comes.

I've been trying to keep up with emails and phone calls, but I'm sorry if I've missed some of you. Feel free to write or call anytime and keep me accountable. :)

Here's What I know.....

~I often don't understand life - but I know that God is all knowing.
~I can't always see what's happening at the time or how it's going to work out in the future - but ~I know that God has a plan and is working behind the scenes.
~I don't always know what lessons I need to learn - but God does and He wants me to learn.
~I usually have my way of thinking how life should go - and God has His (and they aren't always the same).
~God's best will always be better than the best I can conguire up on my own.


The last several months have been - well, difficult. There were definitely times when I just wanted God to fix things and make my life easy again. But I kept asking Him to show me what He had for me. And He chose to keep me in the difficult circumstances for longer than I would have chosen. And I can honestly say, I have learned many things. "Life is hard but God is good".

Those that know me well know that I have struggled with being content for, well, pretty much my whole life. And coming to the place were I can say that I am content, has been a gradual process. But I can honestly say, I like where I am, I'm happy and I'm not trying to see around the next bend in the road. And it is such a "freeing" feeling!

I've learned about the importance of totally surrendering to God and His plan for my life. When I ask Him for His best and then allow Him to give it to me in His time, it's so much better than when I try to work things out on my own.

I'm learning to ask for help and rely on others at times (really hard for an independantly minded person). God has placed some absolutely amazing and wonderful people in my life and I am so thankful for all that they've done for me.

I truly an liking living in South Carolina. No immediate plans of moving. Jury's still out on the school thing and as to when I'll be able to pursue the cosmetology thing. I just got a full-time job (HUGE answer to many months of prayers). Come visit when ya'll can ;)

Been a little longer than I planned.....

I have been meaning to write for a long time.... Although not too much has changed in my life in the last few months, I am learning a lot about God and myself. Since the start of the new year I have put in several job applications and still have yet to hear anything back. This has turned out to be frustrating to say the least. However, I have found that I have a tremendous peace about the whole situation. God has been teaching me so much in the process of waiting and I'm reminded that His timing is often not ours. He has provided for my needs and continued to be faithful. At this point though I'me ready for Him to just open doors and blow me away with something amazing.

Christmas was very different this year not being able to be home with my family, but I had a great time here with the family I had here. I am very blessed to have wonderful people in my life all around me.

We actually got some snow here last week. I was as excited as a kid. :)

Thanks to all for your prayers and emails.

Decking The Halls....And Speaking From My Heart

Christmas! One of my favorite times of the year. And it's not because I love the getting and giving of presents. Nor is it because I love to decorate (which I do). And it's definitely not because of the shopping (I don't like that part at all). I do however love the fact that every year the Christmas plays and songs and movies about Jesus' birth cause me to think about it in a whole new way. Two of my favorite Christmas songs are "Mary Did You Know?" and "Strange Way To Save The World". Each song makes me think about possible thought and feelings that Mary and Joseph might have had. But what about all the others that were there or somehow related to the circumstances of Christ's birth. How did Mary's parents take the news that she was pregnant? How would it have felt to be one of the many people occupying the rooms in the inn so that there was no room for the Messiah? How did the Inn Keeper feel? Did he even care? Every year I think of new questions and perspectives on the birth of Christ and I love the new light it sheds on it. Whatever the case, the birth of Christ remains the "Reason for the Season" and we all need that reminder once in a while. Another thing that I love about this time of year is being with family. This year, Christmas will be quite different for me in that area. It will be the first Christmas that I will not be home. I love my family and I love it when we're all together. I love big family "get-togethers". And I might be a bit bias, but I think that I have the best family in the world. I will be with extended family this Christmas and I'm excited about that. They are fabulous and I love them all dearly. So as I decorate and...shop, I will be thinking of you all and hoping that you have a wonderful Christmas. And when you think about Christ's birth try seeing it from a whole new perspective this year. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Who I Am Today

There's a saying that you don't know what you have until it's gone. Those that know me know that contentment doesn't come easy to me. However, I got thinking about this phrase recently as I reflected back on some things in my life. I'll be the first to admit that I've had a pretty wonderful life. Things have always had a way of working out quite well. No, they don't always come in the time that I would like them to, however, I've never really lacked anything. And until this point in my life, I've never had the difficulty of searching for a job and coming up empty handed over and over. I've also had jobs in the past that I haven't really enjoyed at the time. And of course, being me, my solution was to move on and try something different. Now, I don't think that there is anything wrong with trying new things (I'm a big fan of that) but I do think that I too often don't appreciate what I have while I have it. While I haven't always liked the jobs that I've had in the past, I've had some pretty good ones. So at this "almost jobless" time in my life, I've had time to reflect on the past and appreciate what I've had. I just wish that I would have had that appreciation at the time. But as Anne of Green Gables said, "Tomorrow's a new day with no mistakes in it yet" and now that I've learned that, I can put it into practice.

I also wonder about God's timing a lot. It seems that His timing is never ours. I'm one to always be making plans and thinking about how I think things should work out, but then they never seem to happen the way that I plan. And then things will come along in life and I'll think "If only that had come along a little sooner" or "I never thought I needed that to happen". But think about your life. Think about all the things that have happened to you, both the good and the bad. Think about all the things that if you could go back and change, you would. And then think about how they have made you who your are today. It amazes me that God can and does take both the good and the bad in our lives and uses them for His honor and glory if we let Him. And those things that happen that aren't necessarily bad but we think we could have lived without, tend to most powerfully influence our personality and character - for the good or the bad.

These are just some thoughts that have been on my mind lately and I felt compelled to share. Things here are going pretty well. Still only working part-time. I'm exploring the possibilities that will get me a car so that I can hopefully expand my job search a bit more. It's been quite cold the last few days and feeling more like Fall and Winter.

On This Beautiful Day

The last couple of days have felt like Fall. The air has been cool and we've had frost on the ground. Fall is easily one of my favorite seasons. I love the smells and the colors and everything about this time of year. I do miss the spectacular display that the leaves put on in New England though.

I get very excited for Thanksgiving and being with friends and family. Then after that I get all hyped up for Christmas. I love walking into the stores and seeing all the new stuff for the up and coming holidays. (I don't like to see Christmas trees in October though). :)

But while I wait for all those special days, I'm having fun carving pumpkins and baking cookies and taking walks in the crisp cool outdoors... :) Happy Fall, Everyone!

If You Want Me To...

The only way that I can think to describe the last few months is “hard”. I know, it’s such a broad term, but it’s also so true. Don’t get me wrong, I can see ways that God has blessed and taken care of me, but life’s been far from smooth. It’s been downright rough at times. And as the end of the year comes closer, things seem to be piling up. I don’t know what I’m going to do next year. I want to continue with my education, however, I’m knot sure that I will be able to at this time. Please don’t think that I’m giving up if I take another year off, but know that I would only be doing what I believe is necessary. I ask that whatever I choice, please respect my choice and let it be just that, my choice. I’m also struggling with my lack of transportation at this time and so I ask that you keep me in your prayers concerning that as well.

Through the hard times and the struggles though, I friend of mine reminded me of a song that I actually love but had forgotten about. The words are as follows:

The pathway is broken And the signs are unclear And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here But just because You love me the way that You do I will go through the valley If You want me to
Now I'm not who I was When I took my first step And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet So if all of these trials bring me closer to You I will go through the fire If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen When you lead me through a world that's not my own But You never said it would be easy You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through And I will go through the valley If You want me to. ~Ginny Owens, "If You Want Me To"

The words of this song have applied to my life more than once and they do again. Please keep me in your prayers as I figure out the future. Thank you to all who have helped to make this year easier. I don’t know what I’d do without you. :)

Quick Update

I have been really encouraged lately as God has been answering prayers, sometimes in unexpected ways. And He's been answering little things too. It's just really amazing to see how God provides and usually not how I thought or planned either. That's the great thing - He works in His own time and way, He's always "on time". I've also been growing a lot in my relationship with God and learning a lot too. God is so amazing!

Life is hard.....

...But God is good!

Hey all, let's see...guess I haven't been real good at updating. Ooops!

The last few weeks have been very busy and stressful. However, through it all, God continues to be faithful and teach me many things. I am doing very well though. I'm learning to fully rely on Him.

I don't have much to update as far as the future goes. I have 4 schools on mind that I am applying to for next Fall. It will depend on what the best move is as to where I go. I'm not worried about it though.

As far as the present, I'm enjoying my classes and everything right now. I'm really enjoying the time that I get to spend hanging out with my family. We have fun. I went to Disney for the first time last weekend. :) That was fun! I'll try to post some pics soon.

New Year, New Start

WOW! I haven't updated in a while. Let's see.......

I finished last semester on December 14 after many grueling finals. I was glad to have those behind me as I left for Maine. I flew back home on the 15th. It was wonderful to be home for Christmas and spend time with my family.

Break was great although it seemed to go by far too quickly. I flew back to Florida January 4. I can say that it is nice to be back. I missed my family and friends here.

I'm looking forward to this semester and hoping that it will be a little better than the last.

As far as the future goes, I will not be returning to Trinity College next year, however, where I will be is not finalized at this point. This year was good and necessary and I have learned much, but it's time to move on. Please pray for me as you think to that I will have clear direction for the future.

I'll hopefully post a little more often now. :)

"In Life There Are Many Roads"

I blogged this for MySpace but wanted to share it here as well. The thoughts below did not come to me overnight, but overtime. And this is really a condensed version of it. I could expand on it more I'm sure, but this pretty well sums up something that God has been teaching me.

Have you ever felt like you were standing at the end of a hallway lined with doors and you didn't know where to go? Which door is right? How will you ever choose? What if you go through the wrong one? My mother always says, try all the doors until you find one that is unlocked.

I have come to the conclusion that I am one of those people that goes down many roads perhaps. And maybe after awhile I decide that this is not the road for me. So I move on and go a different way. (Some might say that I have a hard time staying in one place, but that's not exactly how I see it). Does the fact that I've turned around mean that I went the wrong way in the first place? Not necessarily. But now I know a road that I'm not suppose to go down. And along the way, I met people and had new and different experiences and all of those things help to make me who I am.

So if you find yourself going a direction and you're not sure if it's right, turn around and head a different way. But don't beat yourself up over where you have been or the decisions that you've made. Yes, along the road of life you will make bad decisions, but God forgives and you can learn from your mistakes. The will of God is not that narrow and He can use you in a number of different places.

So what are you waiting for? Start trying doornobs!

It was actually cold!

Well, it's been a little bit since I updated, but life has been busy as well. In less than a month I will be home for Christmas. :) I'm excited. I've pretty much just been going to class and working and doing schoolwork. On the weekends, I really look forward to going to Madge's. This weekend we went to the Christmas tree lighting at Channelside in Tampa. It was cold. Seriously. Below are a few pictures. Enjoy! :)

Jacob, Me & Eric
The cutest 7 month old I know :)
Madge & Lauren
Madge & Mel
Mandy & Lauren

Mandy Jr. & Eric
It Snowed!!! (ok, not for real)
Isn't she adorable... ;)

Not Too Much To Report

Wow! It's already November. Time goes by so quickly. The last couple of weeks have been stressful and a bit overwhelming at times, but God is good and the stress has subsided. I find that when I am feeling that way, it's usually because I'm trying to take control of my life rather than letting God have control. I was reminded of this fact again just the other day and I realized that I'm not surrendering daily to Him. It has to be a conscious effort sometimes, but it's worth it. Thanks for your prayers and support!

Classes are about the same as they have been. Things are starting to pile up as the end of the semester is just around the corner.

Work is going well. I love the kids that I work with, though there are the days when they can really push your buttons and try your patience. I also really like everyone that I work with which makes for a good environment.

I must say that it is going to be nice to go home for Christmas and I truly am hoping that there will be snow :)

Hi Everyone. Wow, time goes by so quickly. Life has continued to be busy although I did get a little break last week. Didn't have class on Thursday or Friday and I took off from work as well. I stayed at Madge and Mandy's for the long weekend and Samantha Smith came down to visit. We had a great time. Went to the beach on Thursday. (It was hot here last weekend). Then on Friday we pretty much spent the day at the mall. Samantha left Saturday afternoon. It was so hot on Sunday. Madge and I did a little shopping and tried on Winter coats at Kohl's (in like 90 something degree weather). :) We had fun though.

The last few days it has cooled off a lot and is B-E-A-utiful! I love it! It's been in the 60's and 70's.

Feel free to send and email or give me a call anytime. :)

Girls Beach Trip :)

Can't Believe It's October

Well, life has been busy as usual, but after a little over a month of being here I'm finally feeling like I have more of set schedule rather than just craziness and not knowing what I'm doing that I felt for several weeks. A huge praise is that I got a job, though I haven't started yet. I'll be working at the YMCA with the kid's program. The hours worked out really well and I'm looking forward to starting. It should be fun!

Last week was the annual missions conference (quite different from NBBI's though). It was good. The speaker was excellent and the workshops we went to were really helpful as well. I learned quite a bit and walked away with more to think about (not sure I needed that part, but...).

Classes are going well and it is hard to believe that mid-terms are next week. The time is going by so fast. In just a little over 2 months I'll be home for Christmas! Wow!

I am continuing to enjoy having family so close. I have been to Madge and Mandy's on a few occasions and went out with Barry, Melissa, Brian, Diane, Gene, Zack and Olivia a couple of weeks ago. We had a great time. Family is wonderful. Although I have never really had to chance to get to know them real well, it doesn't feel that way. I feel like I've always known them all. And of course I've fallen in love with Jennifer's kids. They're just too cute.

I never thought that I'd miss the cooler weather, but I do. It's still pretty hot down here, but I'm not complaining. I'm told that the end of October and November are beautiful.

I am still seeking the Lord as to what to do about church. I've been to several and have my idea of where I want to go, but not sure if it will work or not. So if ya'll think to, that is a prayer request that I still have.