To Love At All...

“She was dressed in rich materials – satins, and lace, and silks – all of white. Her shoes were white. And she had a long white veil dependent from her hair, and she had bridal flowers in her hair, but her hair was white……I saw that everything within my view ought to be white, had been white long ago, and had lost its luster, and was faded to yellow. I saw that the bride within the bridal dress had withered like the dress, and like the flowers, and had no brightness left but the brightness of her sunken eyes.” ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

I have been attempting for a few months now to put into words some of the things that have been on my heart – personal experiences and those that I have witnessed in the lives of people close to me. However, it wasn’t until a recent conversation with a friend, encouraging me to not become a “Miss Havisham” (Great Expectations), that things started to make sense and come together.

It really only takes one or two failed or poorly handled relationships for one to start to feel a bit cynical about life and love and happiness. If we’re honest, many of us at one time or another has found ourselves hoping for the “Fairy Tale”. Girls, you know this is true. We tend to conger up in our minds the “perfect” guy that will come and sweep us off our feet and we will live “happily ever after”. And then, reality sets in. He turns out to be… human. And instead of forgiving and forgetting and moving on, we dwell on what could have been, should have been or might have been. We start to build walls around our heart – slowly, surely, painfully. We look around at those that are in wonderful, happy and loving relationships and think that they’re the exception. Sometimes, for a brief moment, we remember what it felt like to be in that place but then we remember what it felt like to get hurt, so we place another brick in the wall.

I feel like I almost don’t have a right to say these things since I know that I have never experienced the pain that many people go through in their relationships. And I have been told that I am too young to be so cynical. But I don’t think that cynicism has an age limit and we all can become that way in direct proportion to the blow that we have been dealt.

I was one of those girls that thought for many years that the first guy that I dated would be the man that I would marry. Why? Because I was picky and had high standards and figured that if I prayed long enough and hard enough God would just work things out that way. But that’s not what happened. And it wasn’t God’s fault; it was just the path that I chose at the time. And as always He had a lesson for me to learn through it all. But over time, I started to build my wall. I wasn’t aware of it right away, but it was there.

I have been trying for some time now, with God’s help, to heal the wounds and move on. But I know that I struggle with trust and being open to people and allowing them to get to know me for who I am with all my faults and failures. Because to become that transparent to another human being, means that I might get hurt. C. S. Lewis said it so well...

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal, Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…”

Does anyone really want to live that kind of life? Does anyone knowingly choose to be the “Miss Havisham” that sits in the dark wearing her old wedding dress exactly like she was the day that her fairy tale fell through? Very rarely does a wall like this build over night, but, more realistically, over time. And it can start at any age. And it will not come down until we recognize that it is there and choose to remove it.

So maybe you’ve been hurt. Maybe life hasn’t turned out the way that you had planned. Maybe you’ve been knowingly or unknowingly building a wall around your heart. Don’t let that hurt get in the way of you living your life to the fullest and allowing people to love you. Reality: this side of heaven, life will let you down. Humans are going to continue to act human. And you may feel like you will never love again, but that, my friend, is up to you. And you will find that choosing to forgive, let go of the hurt, and put cynicism aside, is a most glorious feeling.