Sometimes Change Hurts

I had planned to write a few blogs in the last couple of weeks to wrap up the year. But as per usual, very little goes "as I planned". This year was a reminder of that. It was also a year in which I feel as though I have lived a lifetime.

A lot of things changed in 2011. I usually love change. I hate to get into a rut. I don't like to go for long periods of time without being stretched. I like being taken out of my comfort zone - for the most part. Change can be a wonderful thing. But sometimes it's painful. In 2011 I had some great "out of my comfort zone" experiences, but there was a lot of painful life experiences as well.

My time in Haiti was the high point of 2011. It's hard to really express how I feel about that because my feelings run so deep. It's strange how that can happen in such a short amount of time. I was only there for 3 weeks, but in that time I came to love the Haitian people so much. They are the most beautiful people I have ever met. And they taught me so much. Their hope and joy is deep and abiding and evident from the moment that you meet them. I felt so comfortable and at home there. And I left a huge part of my heart in Haiti. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that country and those people. And every time I think about them, I ache to go back. Some day I hope that will happen. For now I have the beautiful memories.

I love to meet new people. I've made some great friends and some of those friendships I think will continue for a long time. I went to Haiti alone but met some of the coolest people ever. So many in a similar situation as myself, just wanting to make a difference in the world. The women that I met on that particular journey inspired and challenged me and I will be forever grateful to them. I met some awesome people at camp as well. And each of them has had an effect on my life in one way or another. I've even met new people since returning to Maine (hard to believe, eh?). And I am most thankful for the friendships that have been strengthened over the last few months.

The most difficult part of 2011 was the loss of a friend. I hadn't know Stephen, or "Hawk" as we all called him, for very long. In fact, I met him in May and he was gone in September. But he had a huge impact on the lives of all that he met. Hawk came to Ladore to be a counselor this summer and I met him just before I left for Haiti. I remember how nervous he was and I told him that when I returned, he better still be there. And he was. And not only was he still there, but he was a great counselor. The kids loved him. The staff loved him. And my friend Sarah loved him. Hawk and Sarah and had started dating while I was away and truth be told, I had never seen her happier. She had found the love of her life and Hawk worshiped the ground she walked on. All was as it should have been until that day in September when we found out that Hawk had suddenly passed away. All of our lives changed in a moment.

Death isn't fair. And we you are the one dealing with it on a personal level, nothing else in life seems fair either. You feel as though the world should stop because you're world has stopped. But life doesn't ask us we want and we go through it and learn to deal. And in the midst of our pain we find the strength to move on.

Soon after that, I made the difficult decision to move back to Houlton, Maine. The small map dot that I'm from. In part, I hope that this move will be temporary, but I must admit that for the time being I am quite content to just be. Nothing about this move has been easy and I've hit rock bottom a few times in the last couple of months. But I truly believe that I am at last starting to learn from the mistakes that I've made and I hope that this experience will make me a better person. I know that if I keep my mind open and my mouth closed, I will. 

The last 2 years have been years of big change for me. As usual, I hope there are many adventures in 2012. I can't live without adventure. :) But I also hope to find more stability. I feel like the last 5 years have really helped me find myself and define who I am and now I need to put in to practice what I've learned and stay in one place for a bit. Time for new beginnings.