I love people, but...

Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected. Not in the "I haven't checked my email lately" kind of way. More like I just don't feel like I fit anywhere in the world around me. I don't know what brings this on and I don't have any idea how to force it away. I usually spend a solid day or two just going through motions and trying to seem normal to those around me when inside I'm feeling so out of place. 

I am the type pf person who needs copious amounts of time to myself. But I also need to choose to be alone, otherwise the feeling of loneliness creeps in. On the flip side, when I have been around people nonstop I start feeling drained and find myself pulling away. Don't get me wrong, I love community. I think it's extremely important and necessary for the human soul, but for some of us, there is that need to just be. By our self. No one else around. 

Perhaps there is a link. Perhaps when I have been around people for a while in one setting or another this is when the feeling of disconnect begins to set in. It makes sense really. Internally I want desperately to be alone for a while but externally I can't be, so I mentally remove myself from the situation. And until I can truly be alone for a while and have time to recharge my batteries, I can't make connections with those around me. 

There is a great difference between loneliness and solitude. I hate loneliness but I thrive on occasional solitude.

The Reality Is...

Donald Miller says that the best writing occurs in dark closets and plain rooms with no view. That might be true, but I am currently sitting outside listening to the autumn wind blow the leaves off the trees. I can smell fall in the air.

I used to love fall. Once upon a time it was my favorite season. But over the years I have come to be much more of summer person and fall brings with it a certain sadness. This probably has something to do with the fact that I am not a fan of winter at all and I know that fall means winter is just around the corner. But this year I am finding the change of season more difficult to accept than ever before.

2013 started with hope and change for me and I was confident that "great things" were just around the next corner. But instead, I've found myself in a bit of another "holding pattern" for the last 8 months and I'm circling the wall of frustration. I thought by now I would have moved on to the next phase of my life. I know roughly what I want that phase to look like and I have been working for several weeks to make it happen but I'm not really getting anywhere with it. Thus, my frustration and sadness that the next season is upon us and I am still "stuck". Well, that's how I feel anyway.

Please don't misunderstand me. I don't think that life is going to be easy. I'm not looking for some great and amazing thing to fall into my lap. I know that things take time and hard work. But sometimes my reality vs. my expectations leads to this overwhelming feeling of "what on earth am I doing?". I'm probably making things more difficult and dramatic than they need to be. If we're going to be honest, a lot of us do that from time to time. And it helps once in a while to give myself a reality check and remember how good I have it and that all good things take time. Sometimes far more time than I want them too.

So perhaps I should take a few moments to once again appreciate the change of season, drink a pumpkin spice latte and enjoy the colors of fall. Time moves on but life doesn't have to pass me by.

My Way... probably looks different

If we are honest, we all have the tendency to compare ourselves with those around us. Particularly our peers. I find myself stuck in this mentality every now and again and have to consciously remind myself that I am my own person and while the things my friends have done might be great and wonderful, I am not them. It's easy for me to lose my contentment when I look at how little I've traveled (especially compared to some of my friends) or the degrees that I don't have (compared to others). But the problem with this is the fact that I am comparing myself to others, which inevitably leads to unhappiness. 

My journey this far has been a little strange to some. I am taking a while to getting around to doing some of the things on my list. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that life is NOT passing me by and I'm not old yet. ;) But when I write my story (or book) I will be able to say that "I did it my way". And that's part of what makes it my story.  

Random Friday Morning Thoughts

~I'm in denial that Fall is just around the corner. Mainly because it doesn't feel like summer ever really came, but also because this year is just going by too fast. So for all of you that are posting things about loving all things fall that are coming your way, I'm rejecting it for as long as possible (even though I can smell it in the air).

~I use to want to be a photographer. Perhaps I still will do that someday.

~I need to write more often (and probably do more yoga) since these are things that clear my head and my head needs some major clearing these days.

~I have been reminded lately of just how incredibly blessed I am. I have some really great people in my life (past and present) and so much to be thankful for all the time. It's very easy to get caught up in the things that are "not so good" or "not what I want them to be" and forget about all that I've got.

Here's to a great weekend!

Change is coming...

... I'm just not sure when.

I've had a feeling for a little while that change is about to happen in my life. Right after I started feeling this way, a couple of really amazing possibilities came up. I thought I'd found it. I thought I was about to be in my sweet spot. But it wasn't to be this time. I was, understandably, a little disappointed. But I still feel strongly that something great is about to happen. Something is about to bust wide open. And I am so ready for that to happen.

I've been pretty quiet as I've gone through the last few months of feeling lost and finally learning to be honest with myself and others. Hopefully there will be more to share very soon.