Everybody's Story

I'm about to be pretty transparent here, something that I usually stay away from in the blogging world. I tend to write from a more symbolic point of view. But today, I need to be open. Why? Because, if everybody has a story, you can't really tell yours if you're hiding behind allegories.

Sometimes I feel like the "odd one out" in the family. Don't tune me out here thinking that this is a ploy to get some sympathy from everyone. Quite the contrary, I assure you. And allow me to get something straight as well. I have an amazing and loving family. They truly are the best. That being said, here's what I mean. If you know me, have read any of my past posts or just paid attention to the title "Wandering But Not Lost" you know that I am far from having my life "figured out" (by some standards). But I've always been one to challenge the status quo. I refuse to settle for something that is less than I know I can be. I also refuse to settle for what would be a boring life for me. I am not going to finish school until I know that I am on a path that I truly want to be on. I'm not afraid to move on from one thing to another fairly quickly. Some might say I have trouble being content or have ADD, I prefer to think that all that I am learning is just making me a more well-rounded individual. :)

This morning as I was watching CBS Sunday Morning, Steve Hartman did another "Everybody Has A Story". I love that segment. Because it's true. If you take the time to get to know people and listen to what they have to say, you will find that they have a story and it probably has some striking similarities to your own. And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think somewhere deep inside all of us is the desire for people to know our story. I have heard some people say that they sometimes think of their life playing out as a movie. I usually think of mine as more of a documentary. And then I think about what might be said about me. It's not as though I live a tremendously exciting life. But I live. And I make decisions just like everyone else and those decisions will affect the rest of my life in some way, shape or form at some point. And I may not be where I want to be in life right now, but I can change that. I can see what I am capable of and where I can go.

I want to work with people. Hurting people. I am about to venture out on a path that will hopefully lead to something in that area in the future. I see people all around that need physical help, spiritual help and most of all love and my heart breaks. I am hoping to eventual work in a humanitarian aid area. If you've talked to me in the last month, you probably know that I wanted to be in Haiti from day one. But that is not a possibility for me at this moment. I'm hoping to change that though so that when things like that happen, I can go. I am here for a greater purpose than myself.

Sometimes it's good to stop and think, "If I died today, what would people say about me? What would they remember?" And if it's not what you want it to be, do something about that before it's too late. When I think of my life and where I am and where I can be, I don't get bogged down by the fact that I'm not there, I am just inspired to change.

To Err Is Human

I knew that yesterday was going to be a hard day. I knew it all weekend and when I woke up yesterday morning. And as I left for work and drove down the road, I prayed. I prayed that God would keep my attitude in check and help me to "live in victory" (as my Dad says). I had no sooner gotten the words out of my mouth and the devil began to attack. And I didn't do very well at living in victory - at all! Needless to say, I basically went into survival mode just to get through the day and I could not wait for the clock to say 5:00 pm. May have been the worst day I've had in a LONG time. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this other than to point out how very human I can be and how frustrating it is. But today was a new day and it was better. It kinda had to be, right. :) I'm really thankful for a gracious and forgiving Heavenly Father.

The Timing of Things

I recently had a bit of a turning point. I realized how "comfortable" I had become in my relationship with God - basically to the point where I was not growing or learning. I went back and forth with the Father about this for a while until I became tired of arguing the point and gave in to what I knew was the right thing to do. I was reading through some old journal entries over the past couple of years and I came across one where a friend had challenged me to ask God to teach me something new. Bit of a scary thing to pray, huh? But that was where God got me. I had been trying for a while to get my relationship back on track by reading random bits of Scripture or devotional books but the desire to really change was not there and I had to come to a breaking point first. I knew that asking God to teach me something new would mean that I would be stretched and things will get uncomfortable, but without that there wouldn't be growth and the change that I so desperately needed.

The last couple of weeks have had some not-so-great moments, some disappointments and some definite lows. I've been challenged in different ways and forced to face who I really am and see how far I have to go to be who I want to be. And so far, most of these things have been very small in comparison to what they could be but I find that it's the small things that often show us what we're made. How do we handle the little disappointments and upsets? And if we can't get through the little things, how on earth do we ever get through the big things? And in a more Spiritual sense, I believe that it's the little things that help us gain the ultimate victory. Satan knows that if he can get us in those small areas of life, those "minor sins", then he's got us. We've given him all the leverage he needs to get in and keep us from being all that our Father desires us to be.

And I have found that when I accept the things I can't not change and look at them from the perspective of everything happens for a reason (God is not a God of coincidences), then I begin to learn. And sometimes - often actually - my timing and God's are not the same at all. And when things don't happens when and how I want them to, I get frustrated. Then I remember, I prayed for change.

A Mile A Minute

Sometimes I sit down to write and have no idea where to start. If I could give people only just a glimpse of all that goes through my head in the course of a day, it would blow their minds. Tonight's one of those nights. And the ironic thing is, when I can get my thoughts out and have them make sense, it's such a relief and really clear my head.

I think this is why I'm so bad at trying to pray for long periods of time. I get really sidetracked by all the things going through my head. Usually I have to pray short prayers through out the day. And sometimes I just get frustrated with myself and my inability to express to me Father what I need to say, so I just "remind" Him that He knows the rest, better than I do even, and leave it at that. Sometimes I wonder why He gave me such a crazy mind and heart. I often feel like I'm all over the place. Like right now...