Not as Lost as it Appears

I know I can be frustrating. Especially when people are trying to help me. I keep getting the question, "Well, what do you want to do?" when looking for a new job or place to live. And I continue to say, "I'm not sure". That's frustrating. But the truth is, I know what I want to do, it's just not one set thing.

1) I love to bake (especially desserts) and would love to work at a bakery. I also think it would be fun to own a bakery or coffee shop (or both) someday. (Sidenote: learning to bake in Italy is on my list of possibilities.)

2) I want to learn pottery and maybe go somewhere with that someday. But I need to find an apprenticeship. Or a class.
3) I love to write. I've recently thought about a degree in journalism, but I'm still not sure about that. I'd like to be able to write about whatever I want to write about.

But for those that have asked, that's what I want.

In Perspective

There's a lot going on in the world right now. Normally, I don't watch the news very much and I usually only buy a newspaper for the coupons on the weekend. I tend to avoid the news because it's rarely good and I just don't feel like getting bogged down by it. But also because, although I know it will affect me at some point, I'd rather wait and deal with it as it comes instead of thinking or worrying about what may or may not happen. I'm also not one to look at world events from a theologically point of view most of the time. (I won't get into to that right now, but if you're curious as to why, ask me later).

But just because I like to avoid a lot of news doesn't mean that I live under a rock. And right now there is a lot going on in Northern Africa and beyond. I'm not going to talk about the political or religious sides of all that. Quite frankly, I don't care. What I will say is this, a lot of those that are protesting one thing or another right now, just want a better life. A better quality of life. And it should make the rest of us stand up and take notice. Notice of we do have. Notice of what we don't. Notice of the fact that a lot of our "problems" really aren't that big.

Why is it that, for me at least, it often takes a tragedy (whether personal or worldwide) or some sort of international unrest to realize that life isn't really all that bad. Yes, it can seems unfair or overwhelming at times, but in the grand scheme of things, those problems are pretty minor.

This has been a good reminder to me this week. As someone who is currently going through some big changes and trying to figure things out, I needed to be reminded that although I get frustrated trying to "choose" where I'm going in life, at least I get the choice.

Adjusting The Lense

I know that my last couple of posts may have seemed a bit down and truthfully, they were. Life has been a bit... discouraging lately and I've been a little overwhelmed. I've also been quite tired and trying to make life altering decisions when tired is never a good idea. It just makes things all the more overwhelming. But the last few days I've had a better perspective on things and am feel slightly more confident and at ease. That in no way means that I have things figured out, but I may be on the road to discovery.

Discovery of what I want to do.

Discovery of where I need to be.

Discovery of me (whether good or not so much).

Commitment. Let's talk about that for a minute. For me it's more a "lack there of" as I am a self proclaimed commitmephobic. And this morning, as I was getting ready to face the day and have a conversation that was partially with myself and partially with God, I had a thought. A break though really. And I have had to reconsider some of my previous thoughts on life. Because, as I stood in front of the mirror thinking over some of the advice that I have given to those around me at certain times in life, it hit me that I need to heed my own advice. 

I've always had a fear of settling. Settling for less than what could be best. Settling because it's convenient. Settling because it's comfortable. Settling for the sake of settling. So, to protest this idea if you will, I have run as much as I could in the other direction. The problem is, I then start to live in a fantasy. Because if I have something good or even great in front of me, looking for something better is only a cause for unhappiness. And, if I'm asking God to give me His best but still looking when something wonderful comes along, then what am I in essence saying to Him? And I've realized that, although I thought I had effectually dealt with the discontentment a couple of years ago, they go hand in hand. I'm also not an unhappy person by nature, but I can make myself that if I choose to resist my reality. 

So the conclusion that I have come to is that it is time to stop looking for something better. It's time to stop trying to live in the future. I need to embrace the here and now. And I need to trust that God is going to give me the best, His best, in every area as long as I am seeking it. I need to be present. If I leave God out, then I am settling, but as long as He is in and I am allowing Him to be active in my life, then I just need to trust.

"Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"

That was my answer today to someone who has known me for a few years and asked me when I thought I would settle somewhere. The next question of course was, "what are you looked for?" and the answer to that is, "I don't know". And then the point was reiterated to me that, as the old saying goes, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there" or "If you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time." And then I was asked another question that I honestly couldn't answer. I've moved around so much in the last eight years, do I think that if I found something that I love to do I could stay in one place and be content? 

Content.

That word has come up so much over the years. Why am I not content? What am I looking for? What's the source of my restlessness? Where do I see myself going in life? And I know that there are those that are frustrated with me and my wanderings, but I can assure you that the most frustrated person is me. If I knew the answer to all these questions, I wouldn't be roaming around trying to figure it out. I don't understand why I haven't found something in life that makes me happy. But I know I've found a lot of things that don't. I haven't found a man that I want to spend the rest of my life with (or that wants to spend it with me), but I've found some that I don't. I'm not sure where I'd like to live for a long time, but I know some places that I wouldn't.

And I know, 100%, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I don't want to settle. I don't want to settle for a job just because it pays the bills or is something that I'm good at. I want to get up every day and want to go to work. "Find something you love and you'll never work another day in your life". I certainly don't want to settle when it comes to marriage. And I truly think that where I live is relative. I don't think that I'm looking for a place. I'm looking for a calling. I need to find my purpose. And I don't know why it's taking me longer than some, but it is and I have to believe that this is going to lead to something amazing. And when I get there, I hope the journey continues. Perhaps in a different direction. Perhaps in a whole new way. But if I ever find true contentment this side of Heaven, then I have most definitely failed at life.

"To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive..." Robert Lewis Stevenson

Back to the Drawing Board

I have found myself in a definite slump lately. Life has been a bit on the discouraging side and it's been getting to me. Sometimes after you've hit a few walls, that happens. But this morning I woke up with new resolve. I have new ideas and new direction and I'm going to see what happens. Try all the doors, right? I'm a firm believer in finding something (and somewhere) that you love. So I've been doing a little "soul-searching" for what it is and where it is that I love and what can I do to possibly make that happen. I don't look back on life with regrets nor do I generally look for "mistakes". Instead, I've found that there are often learning curves in the road and a few bumps along the way. I don't dwell on what I could have done differently and wish that I could change things. I learn from what I've done and where I've been and move on. And then, sometimes, we are where we are for a reason but only for a short time. And maybe that has been the case. Time will tell. But if you find yourself hitting those walls and getting discouraged, maybe it's time to step back, refocus and come up with a whole new game plan. Then, at least you can't say you didn't try.

Just Out of Reach

Sometimes I think that my goals and dreams are too big. Like, maybe I've thought up too many things that I want to do in life. The list is definitely growing faster than things are getting crossed off of it. And to be honest, it's a bit discouraging.

Let me be transparent. I love change. I love adventure. I love the unknown. But sometimes, it's overwhelming. Sometimes I get frustrated. I think I know what I want, but then I don't. I think I know where I'm going, but I don't know how to get there. Sometimes constantly moving in different directions gets tiring. Sometimes, more often these days, I'm ready to be done moving. But I don't know what I want. I haven't figured out where I fit. And I will never be content until I do. I can't find any satisfaction by just "living vicariously" through those around me. I will never settle for following the status quo. I refuse to live a mediocre life. 

But some days it all seems just out of my reach...

Therefore I Am?

Rene Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am". 

I think a lot. In fact sometimes I think too much. I had six or seven trains of thoughts that I wanted to blog about going through my head all before breakfast today. And now, at lunch time, I have a headache. 

I'm going through one of my transition phases. In a few months my life will look different than it does right now. How do I know that? Because where I am right now is temporary. I knew that going into this job. It's crazy how fast time goes too. I've been at my current job since October and at the time, May seemed like a ways away. But now it's just around the corner which means my "thinking cap" has been working in overtime lately.

Transition is a great place to be. It opens up all kinds of possibilities and gives one the chance to explore and discover. But it can also be a bit intimidating and scary as well. There's uncertainty and sometimes doubt. The key is to not let those thoughts win out. Focus on the good and the positive things that can happen. Look for opportunities that you may have wanted or didn't know you wanted until now. And start thinking.

Think about what you want to do. Where do you see yourself going from here? What do you have to do to make that happen? Take some time to think about where you are coming from. What have you learned? What are some things that you would like to do differently in your next move? And once you have given life some thought, start acting on that.

The danger for those of us that tend to think a lot is that sometimes we fail to move. And truthfully, I've learned that sometimes it's best to just go for something and see what happens. My mother used to tell me, "Try all the doors until you find one that's unlocked". Just start heading in a direction. If you get an idea of something that you want to do and then think about it too much, you will inevitably start to see obstacles. And then you start to lose your nerve. So here's an idea, next time you think, "I'd like to try..." or "I'm not happy with where I am and would like a change", start acting on that. I'm not suggesting that you do anything irresponsible or irrational (i.e. don't up and quit your job if you have a family to support unless you have a way to feed and clothe them) but don't let yourself over think to the point where you back down completely and continue to settle for mediocrity and unhappiness.  

I'm in my list making phase. I'm not sure how much good it does for me to make lists, but I seem to think that it helps if I can get some ideas down on paper and out of my head. I may be more open and personal in my blogs over the next few months. I'm doing a lot of what some call "soul searching" as far as where I'm going and what I'm doing. I'm trying to find my "niche" in life but more importantly than that, I'm looking for my passion. And if you know me, you know that I like to share my thoughts and hear yours in response.

Although I do think A LOT, I wouldn't say that it makes me who I am. It certainly plays a part though. And the thoughts that I don't act on, I often at least write about.

If I Were To Resolve...

I don't make New Year's resolutions. Never have. There are always things on my "life list" that I want to do or accomplish, but I usually just go with it and see what I get done. But yesterday I was watching the Sunday morning news and the lady that did the commentary encouraged everyone to resolve to do three things this year: "Fall in Love, Stay in Love and Love Yourself More". Good thoughts. And pretty realistic goals for anyone. So I decided that there are some things along those lines that I can resolve to do in "Eleven". I can be kinder to those around me. I can definitely work on showing love to the "not-so-lovable". I can learn to love myself more (in the none cocky way). And I can definitely resolve to love God more. I'm not sure about that "fall in love" part so I'm gonna leave that one for now. But in the mean time, I'll work on the rest.

So here's to another new year and whatever it holds. I can't wait! :)