That was my answer today to someone who has known me for a few years and asked me when I thought I would settle somewhere. The next question of course was, "what are you looked for?" and the answer to that is, "I don't know". And then the point was reiterated to me that, as the old saying goes, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there" or "If you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time." And then I was asked another question that I honestly couldn't answer. I've moved around so much in the last eight years, do I think that if I found something that I love to do I could stay in one place and be content?
Content.
That word has come up so much over the years. Why am I not content? What am I looking for? What's the source of my restlessness? Where do I see myself going in life? And I know that there are those that are frustrated with me and my wanderings, but I can assure you that the most frustrated person is me. If I knew the answer to all these questions, I wouldn't be roaming around trying to figure it out. I don't understand why I haven't found something in life that makes me happy. But I know I've found a lot of things that don't. I haven't found a man that I want to spend the rest of my life with (or that wants to spend it with me), but I've found some that I don't. I'm not sure where I'd like to live for a long time, but I know some places that I wouldn't.
And I know, 100%, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I don't want to settle. I don't want to settle for a job just because it pays the bills or is something that I'm good at. I want to get up every day and want to go to work. "Find something you love and you'll never work another day in your life". I certainly don't want to settle when it comes to marriage. And I truly think that where I live is relative. I don't think that I'm looking for a place. I'm looking for a calling. I need to find my purpose. And I don't know why it's taking me longer than some, but it is and I have to believe that this is going to lead to something amazing. And when I get there, I hope the journey continues. Perhaps in a different direction. Perhaps in a whole new way. But if I ever find true contentment this side of Heaven, then I have most definitely failed at life.
"To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive..." Robert Lewis Stevenson
3 comments:
I read this passage today and prayed this for you (and myself)...
"The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established. The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." ~Proverbs 16:1-3, 9
xo,
Katie
Thanks, Katie. Great verses. And thanks for the prayers. ♥
Hiya, I just randomly typed the words 'searching for purpose' on google and hoped to find someone with a good answer hahaxD.. desperate measures, I know this is an old post and you may/may not feel the same as you did when you first posted this. but I just wanted to say thankyou for posting this, I now know it's okay 'not to know,' it's really hard when I see most of my friends so sure of what they're doing, and I'm only half-way there... I definitely know what you mean when you say it's frustrating, feels like a really heavy burden weighing on you, and I hate feeling like I have to answer 'I just don't know,' all the time. I'm not completely at a loss of what I should be doing, I do have dreams but I just need to find like-minded people to live it out with... or so I think at this point, but I just wanted to say thankyou for being brave enough to talk about yourself unafraid of people judging your way of life... I certainly admire it, and I feel slightly inspired to be more outgoing, I do hope it's not a fleeting moment of resolve, but I feel really okay lol I'm just thankful anyways thnx =]
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