The people around me...

I like people that are a little rough around the edges. I find them to be very real. They don't care what other people think about them. They are who they are whether you like it or not. Some people are offended by those type. They think that everyone should constantly guard what comes out of their mouth and keep most of their thoughts to themselves. And sometimes it's a bit overwhelming to be around these people but I find it refreshing.

So to those of you that don't care what others think about you and aren't afraid to be yourselves, Thanks! Keep it up.

In the Stillness of Life, My Mind Never Stops

Lately I have found myself sitting in front of my computer screen, staring blankly, thoughts going through my head so rapidly but my fingers refusing to type. I'm not sure why, but sometimes, when life slows down a bit and gives me the time to process, I find it hard to share what's on my mind. But I want to share. I want to voice my thoughts. I want to express myself. I need to. If I couldn't write, I'd probably go crazy.

So, my silence means very little. There may be gaps in my writing, but that won't last and soon I'll be able to express the things that roll around in my head so desperately trying to get out.

Stay tuned. In these last few weeks before the end of 2011, I hope to be able to share a bit more of myself, of where I've been and some of what I've taken with me along the way.

THANK YOU

No matter how much I change. No matter how much my worldview continues to expand. No matter what my political views may or may not be. No matter what country I find myself in, one thing will always be true of me. I am an American! And I am proud of it!

No matter what I think about the decisions that this country chooses to make. No matter how I feel about the current administration. No matter whether I think we should or should not be engaged in a war. I support the troops!

I live in a great country. I live in freedom because of the sacrifice of others. There were and are so many that have laid down their lives so that we in the United States of America could live in the land of the free. It is because of the brave.

So on this day, November 11, 2011, Veterans Day, I want to say Thank You to all those who have given of their time, service and their lives for their country. You are appreciated more than you may know.

What Americans Take for Granted

I saw this story on CBS yesterday and it really got to me. Take a minute to watch this.

Just My Perspective

I have been silent lately but it's not for lack of things to write about or say. In fact, it's quite the opposite. So much has been going on that I've had difficulty sorting things out, getting them out of my head and figuring out what to share and what not to share.

In some ways, I feel as though I have lived a lifetime in just the past few weeks. In other ways, it all seems to have gone too fast.

I have watched those around me experience a roller-coaster of emotions. I have felt some of that myself. I have questioned. I have sorted. I have planned. I have failed. I have conquered. I have seen the highs. I have seen the lows. I have, in some ways, come full circle and yet still have so very far to go.

I have hit walls. And I have found my self back at square one. I have laughed. I have cried. I have pushed through and I have and will continue to go on.

And I am quickly learning more and more about myself and my God.

My God is faithful. He is sustaining. He is understanding. He is compassionate. He is loving. He is just. He is wonderful. He is love and He is grace. He is strong. And He is strong enough for all of us.

Through the darkest of nights, He has been there and I have not felt His presence so strongly as I have in the last month in a long time. Maybe ever. But He walks through the valley of the shadow of death when we feel so alone and feel as though we are going to crumble under what life has thrown at us.

And sometimes we are so quick to either blame God or wonder why He has allowed life to happen to us in the way that it has. But might I suggest that God isn't to blame in any way for some of these things?! I'm daring to go there, because the more I learn about God and the world around me, the more I believe that some things just happen the way that they do and God had no part in them. Don't jump to conclusions here and think that I am suggesting that God is not in control. He most definitely is. But I think that there are plenty of things that happen that are not what He had hoped for or originally planned. And I believe that He is big enough to handle our questions and our anger. And I also believe that He hurts when we hurt.

I think that when our emotions are at their very rawest is when we can truly be honest with God. We are most vulnerable then and the more I go through that, the more I think that that's the kind of relationship He wants with us all the time. He wants us to put down the front and be who we really are. Even if that means we are angry and full of questions.

Life often doesn't make sense. There's no two ways about that. But through it all, I've found that the Rock that I stand on is always solid.

Crossroads

I feel like I find myself here quite often lately. I just spent a week in Maine and the number one question that I got was, "What's next for you?" I don't mind this question. I understand that people want to know what's going on with their family and friends. But I often don't have a good solid answer for them. Sure, I have thoughts and ideas and even plans. But I'm always a bit hesitant to share these with people until I have some idea of how I'm going to execute those plans. And so, once again, I find myself in a place of needing to make some pretty big decisions and not sure exactly which way to go. So I'm praying for doors to open and shut and I'm trying all the knobs to find one that's unlocked.

As My Heart Expands

My trip to Haiti was short. I couldn't believe how fast the 3 weeks went. But for as brief as it was, I left a huge part of my heart there. The Haitian people are so beautiful and they taught me so much. I'm still processing and trying to put into practice all that I learned.

Before I went to Haiti, I asked God for a word to claim for my trip. The word that I got was "HOPE". It seemed to fit so well. People are always talking about bringing hope to Haiti. And a verse that I have always claimed as my life verse is 1 Peter 3:15 which talks about the hope that is in us. However, I wasn't there for very long before I realized that the people of Haiti were going to teach me a lot about hope. They are truly beautiful people. They have so little when it comes to things that the world would consider to be important, but they have such a joy. How many North Americans would bother to get out of bed in the morning if they didn't have a job to go to or didn't know if they were going to eat that day? Would you have the motivation to keep going if you literally had nothing to your name? Would you continue to have hope?

The creole word for hope is espwa. The further away I get from my trip the more and more I realize how very much I have to learn about the the concept of espwa and how far I have to come.

I'm Back

I'm currently back in Pennsylvania and I will soon post some pictures on here of my time in Haiti. But I will say this, it was amazing. I learned so much. I'm still processing and figuring out how to share some of what I experienced. I will definitely be going back, hopefully many times. Thanks to all you who gave me the encouragement to do what I wanted to do. It was hands down one of the best experieinces of my life so far.

Tuesday Morning Thoughts

Just brewed a pot of Tim Horton's coffee and I'm sitting down for a few minutes before the craziness that will be my day starts.

I'm packing again. Friday I move out of my apartment so it's time to box things up and clean out. I'm not really a fan of packing, but it's always a good way to clean out the crap that I've accumulated and don't need.

We've had a lot of rain. Everything is really green but it would be nice to see the sun for a little while.

My mind has been on the disasters that are happening all around the world right now. I know people that have been affected and even in the places that I don't, it's still tough to watch. It's also easy to forget about these areas after a few weeks or months have gone by, but these people are going to be dealing with this for a long time. Starting over is never easy.

Remembering how blessed I am has been a good perspective to see from lately. And although the rain is tiring, I've got nothing to complain about.

It's going to be a great day!

To break the silence...

I know I've had a prolonged period of silence here. It's not that I don't have things to write and it's certainly not for lack of material provided by the news (a lot has happened in the last month). However, I've chosen to leave the "issues" at hand alone. Sure I have thoughts and ideas and maybe even opinions about what's going on in the world, but what I think matters little in the grand scheme of things. And truthfully, I've been to busy to give the news a whole lot of thought. But I can appreciate those that have shared their views on world events. It's interesting to see how people think.

Things are about to change for me again. Shocking, I know. Hopefully in a few days, after I've finished my job, I can get my thoughts together and the creative writing juice will once again start flowing. In the mean time, check out some of the blogs to the right. There's some good reading there.

More writing (and pictures) from me will follow soon.

Bring On The Sunshine

Yesterday the sun came out, it was 80 degrees (27 C) and I was in heaven. I walked outside and literally smiled just because the weather was so nice. I found things to do outside all day. I was in my element. Let's just say it's been a long, hard winter and I needed to see the evidence and have hope that Spring and Summer really are on the way. And today as I was driving around I noticed how bright and green the grass is (which is a stark contrast to the trees that still have no leaves, but that will come). I don't even notice or care about my allergies I'm just so excited that it's warming up and Summer is just around the corner.

And I LOVE that we've had thunderstorms the last two nights.

I'm definitely a summer kind of girl.

Finding Those Silver Linings

It's the end of March. Monday was the first official day of Spring. Sunday night it snowed. It snowed all day Wednesday and until about noon today (Thursday). Not exactly how I hoped that Spring would start, but we gotta take what we get, right? And to be honest, it's absolutely beautiful outside. The fresh snow makes everything look so clean and bright. The trees are covered. And as I write this, the sun is shining, the sky is blue and everything looks amazing.

But I'll admit that when I woke up Monday morning and had to shovel, my first response was to complain and grumble and be upset that it was snowing on the first day of Spring. However, I very quickly remembered all the suffering people around the world and all the turmoil that is going on and that shut me up right away. A few inches of snow might be annoying, but it's nothing compared to what the people in Japan are dealing with after a massive earthquake and tsunami. And there aren't missiles falling from the sky in my backyard like there are in Libya.

So as I look out the window at the freshly fallen snow, I'm thankful for where I live. I'm thankful for a lot of things. And I'm reminded that there are people that need so much prayer and support right now to get through every day.

HOPE

Webster's defines hope "to cherish a desire with anticipation". Dictionary.com says "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best".

I am a firm believer in hope. I'm not known for being an optimist (or a pessimist). I tend to just be a realist. I look at what is and I call it like I see it. That is, until tragedy strikes. Then, once I've assessed the situation and seen what things are at that moment, something in me changes and I find myself seeing what could be. When things fall apart we have to start somewhere and begin picking up the pieces. We have to move on. And in order to do that, we have to have hope. Something inside of us has to know that things can change for the better. We have to believe that we can make a difference no matter how overwhelming the situation may seem. And in order to help we've got to have compassion. Hope and Compassion go hand-in-hand. I don't think you can separate them. Compassion is not only feeling sympathetic, but having a desire to do something to help those that are hurting. And if you want to help, then you have to believe that somewhere there's hope. You have to know that what is, isn't what has to be.

Sometimes in the midst of tragedy, hope can seem so very far away. When circumstances are beyond overwhelming, it's hard to see past what's in front of us. But as we begin to take the necessary steps to make things better, as we begin to dig through the rubble, as we pick up the broken pieces, light begins to shine through. We know this. We've seen it before. We've been here before. We cannot stand around and worry and shake our heads and talk about how bad things appear to be getting in the world. We are the world. And whether or not those directly affected by these tragedies are your family or not, they are someone's family. They are someone's friends. And you may not know them, but God does and He loves them just as much as he loves you. And that is Hope. 

This I recall to my mind, therefore I have HOPE. The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His COMPASSIONS never fail. They are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have HOPE. ~Lamentations 3:21-24

Where Your Heart Is

Six months ago I gave up drinking coffee on a regular basis. However, I still enjoy a good cup a joe every now and then. This morning is a good coffee morning.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole concept of home. What does that look like? What does it really mean? And is it too much to think that everyone should be able to feel at home whether or not they have a roof over their head or someone to hold them at the end of the day?

I don't think that home is a place. If it were, we could spend our whole lives looking and never find it. We often refer to where we grew up as "home". And although there usually is a special bond to where you spent your childhood, most people move away from that and never really go back. Some people can't. And what about those that don't have good childhood memories? If home is all about the "greatness" of where you grew up, does that mean that they don't have one? Many people live in several different places throughout their lives and never really feel at home. At 26, I've lived in 3 different states and spent significant time a few others and never really felt like any of those places were home. Buildings come and go. So do our interests and desires of where we think we would like to be. This side of heaven, it's pretty difficult for home to be a place.

I'm more open to the idea that home is centered around people. Though I still don't think that should be the main thing. However, we need people in our lives. And not only that, we need people that mean something to us. We need people that we can love and care about and that love us back. We are not an island unto ourselves. Being a part of a community is important. So is being part of a family. We all want to be loved and needed and feel like we matter to someone. And when we are around those that mean the most to us, it doesn't matter where we are as long as we're together.

But people come and go. And if our whole idea of home is centered around people, then what happens when they are not there anymore? Do we suddenly find ourselves "homeless" and lost? Sometimes for a little bit. It's normal to feel a little displaced when your world is turned upside down. But life does go on and the sun will shine again. And a big part of feeling at home should be found within -whatever that means to you. For me, it's within my relationship with Jesus and with myself. Without Jesus, I would lost in so many ways. He's the Anchor that I can always hold onto when the rest of my life seems to be a little out of control. He's the Rock that I stand on when I can't find solid ground. He's the Grace that catches me when I fall. He's the one that I go to with whatever emotions are overwhelming me. And although I am constantly changing and moving and reformulating, He remains the same and there's something comforting about that.

Home also needs to be finding peace with yourself. Loving who you are as a person. Being content with where you're at in life while always striving to do better and become all that you can be. If you don't love yourself, you're going to have a hard time accepting love from others. If you don't love yourself, you're never going to be happy with anything that you do or become. If you don't love yourself, you'll never feel at home anywhere. But once you realize the amazingness that is you, peace and contentment will come and it won't matter where you are, you will feel at home. 

People who feel at home anywhere have a purpose. And they live each and every day with that purpose in whatever they do. Whether you feel like what you do day to day is great or small, if you do it with pride and a purpose, you will find contentment and satisfaction.

Surround yourself with those that you care about, learn to love yourself, find out what God means to you and follow your heart. And I believe that you'll be on your way to finding a place that feels like home.

Misunderstood

Ever feel like some people just don't get you? Maybe it's in a conversation that you have had or an action that was taken the wrong way. Or maybe there are some people that really don't understand you and never will. Because the angle that you're coming from is so far different from what they know, that they truly can't relate. 

I find this to be particularly true for those of us that aren't afraid to ask questions. Those of us that tend to challenge the said status quo. Those of us that take the opinions of others with a grain of salt and move on, preferring to here all sides before we even begin to form opinions of our own. 

I don't know a lot about politics. And most of that is by choice. I don't like to watch to news or read the paper very often. Most of what is in there is depressing. And so, for those reasons, you won't find me getting involved in political discussions. Because I don't know enough about the issues to even begin to speak with any sort of intelligence. And I'm not going to just share what I've heard other people say. 

I find it interesting to watch Christians who have God in a box freak out when He comes out of that box and their comfort zone is no longer comfortable. I'm a bit of a spiritual nomad. I love to ask questions. I'm not afraid to question God. I heard someone recently talk about how it is not our place to question what God does but we are to just accept what comes our way by faith and suffer through. WHAT?!?! That's not the God that I know. My God is bigger than that. He can handle my questions and uncertainties and even my anger. Life doesn't always make sense and I think God expects us to wonder why. We are, after all, human. 

I think we tend to be misunderstood most by those that think they know us, but really don't. Maybe someone has "known" you for a long time but never really gotten to know you as a person. I have several such people in my life right now. And it's frustrating. They're far too concerned with getting their point across in a conversation to ever really hear what you think or where you're coming from. They can't see your heart because their brain and their mouth are in the way. It's pointless, really, to try to talk to them about anything other than the weather. And you walk away feeling like what you said was taken completely out of context. But there is no point in trying to "help them see" your side. They probably never will. And so we remain, misunderstood.

Before You Respond

We are all on a quest. Whether we know it or not, we are all seeking something. And we all have questions within. Some have more than others. And some take a bit longer than others to find the answers. Some people are very secure and confident in who they are wherever they are. Still others are trying to find their place in the world. That doesn't mean that they lack confidence, but they just know that they haven't found what they are looking for yet. It's hard to explain really, unless you've been there.

And I have definitely been there.

I would say that overall I'm a fairly secure person in who I am. And I tend to be pretty confident and don't let others opinions and ideas shape me. But I am also on my quest to discover "my calling" so to speak. To find what I love and do it with all my heart. To live life to the absolute fullest. 

Our searching can manifest itself in all sorts of different ways. For me it has been in moving around. But I have come to realize that my contentment is not going to be found in a place. Because wherever I go, I take myself and the questions within that I still have yet to find answers for.

I was recently contemplating the idea of another major move. Partly because I have to move in a couple months anyway and partly because I'm sick of winter. And then I read something that completely stopped me in my tracks.

With all the options today, it is critical to define your own priorities. If you simply respond to circumstances, any obstacle will send you in a new direction. Circumstances should not determine our choices. Priorities can guide us through the inevitable changes that will come our way. ~Dan Miller

Responding to circumstances is easy. Defining priorities takes some thought. Some people are planners and some are responders. And some people start out as planners but when life seems to not ever go the way that they thought, they find themselves becoming responders. I'm not saying that is always a bad thing, but it can be dangerous. And if you're priorities are out of line, you can very easily take some wrong turns and find yourself in places that you don't want to be. And it can also make the journey to discovering who you are and finding answers to your questions, much longer than you thought. 

I think there needs to be a middle of the road here. Sometimes life throws us curve balls and in those cases, we need to be flexible and able to roll with the punches. We have to respond because we have no other chose. But we also can't be afraid to plan just because things might not turn out the way we want them to. We need to know where our priorities lie so that when find ourselves in a "crisis" situation, we already have those safeguards in place to help guide us.

It has been almost a year since I moved north. And one of the reasons that I moved was to be closer to my immediate family. My family is definitely a priority. And the move that I was recently contemplating would have taken me much farther away. The circumstances of winter made me want to pack my bags and head back south, then I remembered why I moved here in the first place. I'm learning. Slowly sometimes, but nevertheless, I'm learning. And at the end of the day, that's the way it should be.

The mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. ~Proverbs 16:9

Finding Alignment

It's interesting how many things I have read or heard recently that have talked about balance. Particularly a life in balance. And it's amazing all the the things that can throw us off and turn us upside down. I'm reading a great book called 48 Days To The Work You Love. One of the things that the author, Dan Miller, stresses is how our lives need to be balanced in all areas in order for us to have success. He stresses 7 areas to focus on: Financial, Physical, Personal Development, Family, Spiritual, Social and Career.  If even one area is off, it will throw us off in all others and then we are left wondering what went wrong and why.

I'm in the midst of a practical example of this. About 8 months ago I injured my back and ended up in the hospital. After a few days rest, some strong pain killers and muscles relaxers, I was feeling back to normal and life continued. But things weren't normal at all. If you know anything about muscle injuries, often times when something is "out" or "off", other muscles over compensate and end up strained. And then your body starts to sort of "heal" in that off manner. So yesterday while doing something minor and really not at all strenuous, my back was thrown out again. And after suffering all day yesterday and through the night, I called the chiropractor this morning and got an adjustment. I'm not back to normal yet, but I'm on the road to healing. And think this is going to help with a lot of other "health issues" that I've been dealing with for a few months. Why? Because everything is connected and when one thing is off, they all are.

The same is true in life. And yet, we continue to neglect important areas and then wonder why everything else is a mess. When was the last time you relaxed? (I mean really relaxed). How much time have you spent lately with those that matter most to you? How do you feel spiritually? Mentally? Physically? Finding balance is so important in order for us to be able to function properly. 

I'm trying to use this winter, a season that I'm not really a big fan of, to get some things back in line. I'm attempting to use the extra time that I have right now to read more, exercise and learn about things that I've always wanted to know. I want to head into the next phase of life with things in balance and ready to take on the world.

And The Diagnosis Is...

No, I'm not sick. And I haven't been to any doctors lately. I just have a really bad case of cabin fever. I think it's worse this year than it has been in a long time. I'm ready for sunshine and warmer weather. It seems like it's snowed every other day for the past couple of months. And trying to mentally on "some beach, some where" isn't working too well. :) Anyone else ready for Spring?

Not as Lost as it Appears

I know I can be frustrating. Especially when people are trying to help me. I keep getting the question, "Well, what do you want to do?" when looking for a new job or place to live. And I continue to say, "I'm not sure". That's frustrating. But the truth is, I know what I want to do, it's just not one set thing.

1) I love to bake (especially desserts) and would love to work at a bakery. I also think it would be fun to own a bakery or coffee shop (or both) someday. (Sidenote: learning to bake in Italy is on my list of possibilities.)

2) I want to learn pottery and maybe go somewhere with that someday. But I need to find an apprenticeship. Or a class.
3) I love to write. I've recently thought about a degree in journalism, but I'm still not sure about that. I'd like to be able to write about whatever I want to write about.

But for those that have asked, that's what I want.

In Perspective

There's a lot going on in the world right now. Normally, I don't watch the news very much and I usually only buy a newspaper for the coupons on the weekend. I tend to avoid the news because it's rarely good and I just don't feel like getting bogged down by it. But also because, although I know it will affect me at some point, I'd rather wait and deal with it as it comes instead of thinking or worrying about what may or may not happen. I'm also not one to look at world events from a theologically point of view most of the time. (I won't get into to that right now, but if you're curious as to why, ask me later).

But just because I like to avoid a lot of news doesn't mean that I live under a rock. And right now there is a lot going on in Northern Africa and beyond. I'm not going to talk about the political or religious sides of all that. Quite frankly, I don't care. What I will say is this, a lot of those that are protesting one thing or another right now, just want a better life. A better quality of life. And it should make the rest of us stand up and take notice. Notice of we do have. Notice of what we don't. Notice of the fact that a lot of our "problems" really aren't that big.

Why is it that, for me at least, it often takes a tragedy (whether personal or worldwide) or some sort of international unrest to realize that life isn't really all that bad. Yes, it can seems unfair or overwhelming at times, but in the grand scheme of things, those problems are pretty minor.

This has been a good reminder to me this week. As someone who is currently going through some big changes and trying to figure things out, I needed to be reminded that although I get frustrated trying to "choose" where I'm going in life, at least I get the choice.

Adjusting The Lense

I know that my last couple of posts may have seemed a bit down and truthfully, they were. Life has been a bit... discouraging lately and I've been a little overwhelmed. I've also been quite tired and trying to make life altering decisions when tired is never a good idea. It just makes things all the more overwhelming. But the last few days I've had a better perspective on things and am feel slightly more confident and at ease. That in no way means that I have things figured out, but I may be on the road to discovery.

Discovery of what I want to do.

Discovery of where I need to be.

Discovery of me (whether good or not so much).

Commitment. Let's talk about that for a minute. For me it's more a "lack there of" as I am a self proclaimed commitmephobic. And this morning, as I was getting ready to face the day and have a conversation that was partially with myself and partially with God, I had a thought. A break though really. And I have had to reconsider some of my previous thoughts on life. Because, as I stood in front of the mirror thinking over some of the advice that I have given to those around me at certain times in life, it hit me that I need to heed my own advice. 

I've always had a fear of settling. Settling for less than what could be best. Settling because it's convenient. Settling because it's comfortable. Settling for the sake of settling. So, to protest this idea if you will, I have run as much as I could in the other direction. The problem is, I then start to live in a fantasy. Because if I have something good or even great in front of me, looking for something better is only a cause for unhappiness. And, if I'm asking God to give me His best but still looking when something wonderful comes along, then what am I in essence saying to Him? And I've realized that, although I thought I had effectually dealt with the discontentment a couple of years ago, they go hand in hand. I'm also not an unhappy person by nature, but I can make myself that if I choose to resist my reality. 

So the conclusion that I have come to is that it is time to stop looking for something better. It's time to stop trying to live in the future. I need to embrace the here and now. And I need to trust that God is going to give me the best, His best, in every area as long as I am seeking it. I need to be present. If I leave God out, then I am settling, but as long as He is in and I am allowing Him to be active in my life, then I just need to trust.

"Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"

That was my answer today to someone who has known me for a few years and asked me when I thought I would settle somewhere. The next question of course was, "what are you looked for?" and the answer to that is, "I don't know". And then the point was reiterated to me that, as the old saying goes, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there" or "If you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time." And then I was asked another question that I honestly couldn't answer. I've moved around so much in the last eight years, do I think that if I found something that I love to do I could stay in one place and be content? 

Content.

That word has come up so much over the years. Why am I not content? What am I looking for? What's the source of my restlessness? Where do I see myself going in life? And I know that there are those that are frustrated with me and my wanderings, but I can assure you that the most frustrated person is me. If I knew the answer to all these questions, I wouldn't be roaming around trying to figure it out. I don't understand why I haven't found something in life that makes me happy. But I know I've found a lot of things that don't. I haven't found a man that I want to spend the rest of my life with (or that wants to spend it with me), but I've found some that I don't. I'm not sure where I'd like to live for a long time, but I know some places that I wouldn't.

And I know, 100%, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I don't want to settle. I don't want to settle for a job just because it pays the bills or is something that I'm good at. I want to get up every day and want to go to work. "Find something you love and you'll never work another day in your life". I certainly don't want to settle when it comes to marriage. And I truly think that where I live is relative. I don't think that I'm looking for a place. I'm looking for a calling. I need to find my purpose. And I don't know why it's taking me longer than some, but it is and I have to believe that this is going to lead to something amazing. And when I get there, I hope the journey continues. Perhaps in a different direction. Perhaps in a whole new way. But if I ever find true contentment this side of Heaven, then I have most definitely failed at life.

"To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive..." Robert Lewis Stevenson

Back to the Drawing Board

I have found myself in a definite slump lately. Life has been a bit on the discouraging side and it's been getting to me. Sometimes after you've hit a few walls, that happens. But this morning I woke up with new resolve. I have new ideas and new direction and I'm going to see what happens. Try all the doors, right? I'm a firm believer in finding something (and somewhere) that you love. So I've been doing a little "soul-searching" for what it is and where it is that I love and what can I do to possibly make that happen. I don't look back on life with regrets nor do I generally look for "mistakes". Instead, I've found that there are often learning curves in the road and a few bumps along the way. I don't dwell on what I could have done differently and wish that I could change things. I learn from what I've done and where I've been and move on. And then, sometimes, we are where we are for a reason but only for a short time. And maybe that has been the case. Time will tell. But if you find yourself hitting those walls and getting discouraged, maybe it's time to step back, refocus and come up with a whole new game plan. Then, at least you can't say you didn't try.

Just Out of Reach

Sometimes I think that my goals and dreams are too big. Like, maybe I've thought up too many things that I want to do in life. The list is definitely growing faster than things are getting crossed off of it. And to be honest, it's a bit discouraging.

Let me be transparent. I love change. I love adventure. I love the unknown. But sometimes, it's overwhelming. Sometimes I get frustrated. I think I know what I want, but then I don't. I think I know where I'm going, but I don't know how to get there. Sometimes constantly moving in different directions gets tiring. Sometimes, more often these days, I'm ready to be done moving. But I don't know what I want. I haven't figured out where I fit. And I will never be content until I do. I can't find any satisfaction by just "living vicariously" through those around me. I will never settle for following the status quo. I refuse to live a mediocre life. 

But some days it all seems just out of my reach...

Therefore I Am?

Rene Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am". 

I think a lot. In fact sometimes I think too much. I had six or seven trains of thoughts that I wanted to blog about going through my head all before breakfast today. And now, at lunch time, I have a headache. 

I'm going through one of my transition phases. In a few months my life will look different than it does right now. How do I know that? Because where I am right now is temporary. I knew that going into this job. It's crazy how fast time goes too. I've been at my current job since October and at the time, May seemed like a ways away. But now it's just around the corner which means my "thinking cap" has been working in overtime lately.

Transition is a great place to be. It opens up all kinds of possibilities and gives one the chance to explore and discover. But it can also be a bit intimidating and scary as well. There's uncertainty and sometimes doubt. The key is to not let those thoughts win out. Focus on the good and the positive things that can happen. Look for opportunities that you may have wanted or didn't know you wanted until now. And start thinking.

Think about what you want to do. Where do you see yourself going from here? What do you have to do to make that happen? Take some time to think about where you are coming from. What have you learned? What are some things that you would like to do differently in your next move? And once you have given life some thought, start acting on that.

The danger for those of us that tend to think a lot is that sometimes we fail to move. And truthfully, I've learned that sometimes it's best to just go for something and see what happens. My mother used to tell me, "Try all the doors until you find one that's unlocked". Just start heading in a direction. If you get an idea of something that you want to do and then think about it too much, you will inevitably start to see obstacles. And then you start to lose your nerve. So here's an idea, next time you think, "I'd like to try..." or "I'm not happy with where I am and would like a change", start acting on that. I'm not suggesting that you do anything irresponsible or irrational (i.e. don't up and quit your job if you have a family to support unless you have a way to feed and clothe them) but don't let yourself over think to the point where you back down completely and continue to settle for mediocrity and unhappiness.  

I'm in my list making phase. I'm not sure how much good it does for me to make lists, but I seem to think that it helps if I can get some ideas down on paper and out of my head. I may be more open and personal in my blogs over the next few months. I'm doing a lot of what some call "soul searching" as far as where I'm going and what I'm doing. I'm trying to find my "niche" in life but more importantly than that, I'm looking for my passion. And if you know me, you know that I like to share my thoughts and hear yours in response.

Although I do think A LOT, I wouldn't say that it makes me who I am. It certainly plays a part though. And the thoughts that I don't act on, I often at least write about.

If I Were To Resolve...

I don't make New Year's resolutions. Never have. There are always things on my "life list" that I want to do or accomplish, but I usually just go with it and see what I get done. But yesterday I was watching the Sunday morning news and the lady that did the commentary encouraged everyone to resolve to do three things this year: "Fall in Love, Stay in Love and Love Yourself More". Good thoughts. And pretty realistic goals for anyone. So I decided that there are some things along those lines that I can resolve to do in "Eleven". I can be kinder to those around me. I can definitely work on showing love to the "not-so-lovable". I can learn to love myself more (in the none cocky way). And I can definitely resolve to love God more. I'm not sure about that "fall in love" part so I'm gonna leave that one for now. But in the mean time, I'll work on the rest.

So here's to another new year and whatever it holds. I can't wait! :)